- It's been a while since I've posted....
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69digits- August 26th, 2010
High as hell right now. Feels fucking great. I really needed this. Wasn't expecting it really. Night time suprise. Hell yeah. haha. My weight has not gone over 200. I've been going from 197 to 200. It's not as great as loosing, but it's worth it to keep this on the down low and not gain a ton of weight. ya, know? I've been eating around people when needed because suspicions have arose. I purged all my mashed potatos today. It felt great to purge. I felt so much better afterwords. Cleaner. Refreshed. Ana was proud of me, no doubt. I'm high so I have an excuse for all night and all morning. Tomorrow I'm going to try and pull of a fast and go for at least a half hour walk...Dancing at least 15 min as well. I'm going to go on the exersice calculator and calculate the activities I usually do, but only punch in that I weigh 170 so the number of calories i burned that I see is less because then I'll work harder and burn more than I see that I burn. That way, I'm working harder and seeing better results. I just got back from Wallmart. Purchased one bad ass puzzle.1,500 pieces that form a beautiful fairy. It's bad fuckin ass. Way hott! XD My man went to a hockey game. His x and her man are staying with us. They are the ones that have the shit. He told my man that he would save the rest for when he get's back..but his girl just asked how much was left and he said a bowl of the bits of powder left in the bag. They better not be smokin it right now. I'll be pissed. And my man will be even more pissed. I mean yeah they have been buying food for everyone (except i don't care about food...well i care that my bf is fed...but me, i'm fine with starving. lol) but that isn't what pays the rent. Our electic bill is 200 fucking bucks for one month! bull sshiittt! And i know it's because our tard ass roommies been turning the AC on and off. Either leave it on or leave it off because when you keep changing it, that makes it work harder and that's why our bill is sky high. These mother fuckers don't pay the bills! My man does and that's why we never have money for ourselves. He finally told them to not eat the food they get and we have not been giving them cigs or alcohal. They don't do anything. I mean, a thousand dollor check gone in one week. All they baught was Gallons of vodka and a little beer. No tolit paper. No food. No powerade or koolaid or any of that shit. No cleaning products. No dishwasher detergent. Nothing....and we have been buying it all. We keep the tolit paper in our room now. I'm so tired of being fucked over by everyone. It get's so damn old. What is wrong with people?! Our roommies phone is now shut off cuz he couldn't pay the bill..which sucks because when my bf is gone, he can't even call me..and i can't call him. Which is super fucked up!!!! The moon is huge and bright tonight. It's beautiful. Full moons are so amazing. When i look up at a full moon it gives me the strength to move on. That moon is what shines so bright and lights up the night and not too many people look up and give it the attention it deserves. Kinda makes me think of me sometimes. So that may sound rather fucking lame...but it's true. Same thing with trees. Big full green trees that never get the chance to move or have a say, but without anyone noticing, they make the land a better place. Giving beauty and oxygen...but never getting any love. Neglected. Forgotten. Beautiful but unseen. They are like that girl in highschool that always is runner up when it comes to being queen. The queen is an ugly girl. Rotten and her physical appeal really isn't what so many think they see. They see the way expensive clothes and her brand new car her daddy baught her. The runner up has a smile so bright. Her eyes so intigueing. Her lips perfect and plump. Her tits are perfect, and the girl above her has none. The girl above her has cellulite under those tight little jeans. The runner up has the perfect shape. Not an ounce of fat. Not an inch of cellulite. Her heart is genuine but is blocked out by the evil minipulative heart above her. The runner up is called a slut because she's not....but the one above her spread the rumors because her x bf found true love with her....but then the rumors and gossip got to his head so he went back with the witch so he would no longer feel like an outsider on the field. Yet he dreams of the runner up because of what she really is.....he see's it....he knows it...but like everyone else ignores the pure facts just so life goes on a little eaiser for him.... The runner up is a 5 foot 5. She is a 36 C. Has a tiny little waist and small but curvy hips. Her thighs are tight and there is no giggle when she slaps them to see the reaction. Her calfs are lean and strong...not a wiggle or a giggle when she walks or runs or pokes them. her arms are very lean. There is no wing when they are lifted, and her lean muscles are sculpted. Her parents, she never knew. She was raised in a group home full of parentliss kids. Never getting those cute jeans. Never getting the best dress. Never getting new adorable shoes or the latest fashionable purse. She has a job. She buys the second best of everything when she can...but what teenage girl can afford the best working part time at minimum wage, going to school and having to buy simple things like shampoo, tampons, conditioner, panties and bras, and school supplies...she even pays when she hops on the city bus to work and back. Her money is gone when she has absolutely everything she needs for survival. That new dress that would have won her queen position was just a little too expensive. Instead of paying 500 bucks she could only afford 250 for that pretty damn cute pink dress. The shoes that she really wanted were 200. She saved 50 bucks and baught the silver glitter ones instead of the gold with baby pink lace that winded up her calf....she has no source of backup at home. The things every teenage girl should have is everything she doesn't. Not one thing. The cell phone bill she pays for is always too pricey, so she can't get that new phone. She is stuck with that shitty dinosoar sized phone. Yet she is greatful for everything she has...because she beleives that good will come to her one day...maybe if she was a really good person, she would be awarded with meeting a family or even some adult that gave her a loved feeling. Soneone she could look up to like a mom or a dad...someone she could get advice from. Someone that would make her smile and support her through everything she does. Someone that would say, "I'm sorry that you didn't make queen, You really should have. You are a queen in my world...and someday soon everyone will view you like i do" or someone that would say, "I'm proud of you for always keeping your grades up. Your going to get a free ride through college. could the queen say that? no she couldn't." Or someone that would just tell her she's special. This girl was almost graduated. She has kept up a 4.0 all her highschool carear and worked at least 20 hours a week. She just got assistant manager position and a raise at the J.C Pennies she's been working at. Her raise would allow her to buy everything she wanted. Top notch, number one stuff. After a few months after graduation, she would be able to afford a super nice apartment. However she never got to see this. You see, It was last summer when she wasn't awarded queen when she really started going down hill. She didn't have any family that loved her. Not even un-related family. I'm sure you know that kind of relationship. She had some friends at school...but they were only artificial. When that queen title was not givin to her...they all left her in the dump. She found that the only thing people noticed about her was her body. Her size. She thought maybe she would get noticed if she lost a few pounds. She lost 10. Got compliments. She lost 20. People started saying whoa. She ran into a girl who just started working at her job...she was soooo skinny...so small....shorter than her and skinnier (we all know the shorter you are the harder it is to look thin) She got to know this chick. They hit it off. Her new friend told her to come to a party and meet some friends. She did. She used heroine for her first time and loved it. Loved it so much that nothing mattered but this amazing substance that made her who she always wanted to be. It was amazing. Then one day at work she was drug tested....It was this new thing around the workplace. She had to take one. It was required. She failed. Lost her job. The only thing she felt she could show for herself. Getting thinner and thinner but that didn't make her feel much better anymore. She lost all her money. So that ment no drugs. All the new people she met were no longer around. Even though she kept up that perfect 4.0, she wasn't elected for anything at school. No one noticed her. It was the night of graduation. No one would be there for her. No one would say good job. NO one. Not one person. What good is my success if I have no one to share it with she said to herself. No one was at the home, they were all on there way to the school...Her foster brother was a big football player...everyone went to go watch him graduate. She tip toed through the house...not a good memory was found in her head. She walked outside and checked the garage to make sure her workaholic foster dad that had the money but never shared wasn't home. She checked the clock. It said 7:01 pm. The show had already started. No one should be home for at least 2 hours. She went to the room her bed was in and made it perfectly and packed her bags and neatly laid them on her old mattress. She got out a pen and paper and wrote, "I've been holding on and holding on. My physical self is stuck. My spirit will no longer be stuck. I am setting myself free." At the end of the paper she said that her pay check will be ready to pick up in 2 days, and that she wants that check to go to a suicide prevention program for kids. Then she dressed in her sluttiest clothes. She went to the hot spot. She met a guy with loads of drugs. He slams heroine and she told him she wanted to try that for the first time and experience it with him. He shot her up because she "hated" needles, well that's what she said. Once she was down for the count and he was already laid out, she went to his pants on the floor and took all the dope he had left and a needle. She put on a coat to cover herself up. She was groggy and out but she still made her way to her highschool...one foot in frount of the other she said. She snuck into the shop room. Her worst class. She hated that nasty teacher. He was a pig and an ass hole. She hated him with a passion. She was always being looked at and the look he always gave her was nothing innocent. She sat were the queen was assigned to sit. She said,"I wonder how it feels to be you...I never would ever be able to know. Everything you spread about me wasn't true...but it doesn't matter any more. I'm going to go to a better place tonight...a place where nothing like this shit will matter." She slammed all the dope and died. She was found. Never had a funeral.
drained
stressed
mellow
